i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Randomize
