I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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