i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
