MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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