My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
