I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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