What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You pole danced in your parka.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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