update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
