high people should be assigned attendants
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
