in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
