I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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