Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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