I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
