I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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