why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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