Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I need to sanitize my soul.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
