My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
