i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
