maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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