i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just google imaged poop.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
