just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
