Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
