you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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