Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
