and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
