im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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