I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
