the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
