from now on my penis is your penis
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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