Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
