I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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