You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
