Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
