You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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