My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think your dad took our porno
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
