Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
