You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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