I met the friendliest cop last night
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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