Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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