I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Your cock deserves a montage
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
