i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
