I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
