I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
