I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
