I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
