We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My penis needs a shock collar
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
