On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Ketchup is God's man juice
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
