gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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