What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
