As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
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