Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
